On February 25^th, 2022, Elden Ring was released. Elden Ring is an open world RPG developed by From Software, the developer of Dark Souls, Bloodborne, and Sekiro. The style of game that this developer has created is coined now as ‘Souls like’. Souls like games throw the player at near impossible hard bosses where dodging, rolling, and parrying are crucial to every fight. Nearly every game that From Software makes is given high praise and Elden Ring wasn’t excluded. Numerous awards and accolades were thrown to Elden Ring as it passed 40 million copies sold and won the Game of the Year award. But if you came to this article expecting more praise for a game many consider the greatest of all time; you came to the wrong place. In contrast to 90% of gamers, I think Elden Ring sucks. And sucks badly.

First some background. Elden Ring wasn’t my first Souls like game, even though it was my first time playing a game from From Software. That distinction goes to Jedi: Fallen Order from Respawn Entertainment. I enjoyed the game and had a blast doing so, beyond the fact that it was a Star Wars game. The game’s strength was that it allowed the player to decide what kind of Jedi, the protagonist Cal Kestis would become. Equipment was merely cosmetic as advancement in the game unlocked Force abilities and lightsaber fighting styles. The only thing that I grinded for was the double-bladed lightsaber. I thought that my experience here would prepare me for Elden Ring. Bosses were difficult in Fallen Order; two of them gave me fits but were fair and fun. Oh boy was I wrong.

Let’s start with the pros that I found in Elden Ring. First, the graphics and art style. I agree with critics and the gaming population that Elden Ring is indeed a beautiful game. The art style and enemy design is and will always be a strength of From Software. Scenic fields, majestic mountains and castles, and creepy ruins all add a sense of wonder to Elden Ring. The Lake of Liurnia is my favorite region that I played before quitting the game. The misty marshlands that slowly revealed a majestic magic academy atop a ruin of a town devastated from a flood is something out of an epic fantasy novel that I would read. Elden Ring’s soundtrack and sound design are also very strong. The music that fills the headset when battling the bosses is epic in scale and promotes the drastic stakes, which serve the role of soundtracks in gaming. I still listen to the soundtrack when I write articles and my novel in my spare time. But graphics and sound design were a lure, it pulled me into a game that I quickly found to be not as fun as advertised.

The biggest problem that I have with Elden Ring, which can be applied to all From Software games, is balancing. It doesn’t exist. Damage from enemies and bosses scale at an unreasonable rate. Nothing is better than walking into a boss arena, making one mistake and getting combo’d to death within a minute. Or getting stunned locked by a random enemy and killed. Or getting swarmed and killed. Or having a status applied to you that kills you on the verge of killing the boss. The list goes on. You may say, ‘Tristan get good at the game’, or, ‘I bet you never got past Margit’. Well, I did and I hoped that Margit would only be the only boss that proved to be near impossible. It took me over a hundred tries and cost me eight hours to defeat! No boss in any game should take eight hours to kill. But the boss that broke the camel’s back for me in Elden Ring was Rennala, Queen of the Full Moon.

After beating the Red Wolf of Radagon, which made me swear like a sailor and made me want to drive my head through my monitor, I had to get to Rennala. I had to run across a courtyard, climb steps while dodging giant metal balls rolling towards me, weave around an invader NPC, and ride an elevator just to get to the boss door. Inside there was the first stage of the boss, which I initially thought was the whole fight because I foolishly thought From Software would give me a bone after dealing with the Wolf and making my trek to the top of the academy. But I was wrong; after killing three siren singers and being sent to another plane for the second phase, I was immediately killed by magic. The respawn point was, of course, at Wolf’s boss room, so I had to rinse and repeat the whole process. Again, and again, and again. After hours of constant failure, the trek up to Rennala became tedious and pointless, if I took a point of damage before the second phase it was pointless as I knew that I would get curbed stomped by the second phase. At the third straight hour of try to defeat Rennala, I reached my limit. I closed and uninstalled Elden Ring that evening and swore to never touch any From Software game again. Elden Ring for me became what no game should become, tedious and boring. It was like the outcome was already predestined with Rennala and a few balance changes could have been made to make the boss easier or at the very least reasonable.

First, the trek to the top should be only done once, a respawn point should be at the door of every boss, no question asked. Then Rennala’s casting time and damage output should be scaled back, why should I be punished by taking more damage cause the only armor I found to be good for my build doesn’t resist magic? Being forced out of the armor I enjoyed should never happen. It takes away from player agency, makes them feel powerless and dragged along. Every boss should be vulnerable to every playstyle and even though you could weaken down a boss over time, the longer the fight goes the more likely the player is going to make a mistake and suddenly die. And therein lies the problem with the core of Elden Ring’s combat, if you don’t kill the boss instantly or quickly, through the power of near constant grinding, an exploit, or in videogamedunkey’s case, a chance of sheer luck with a bug, you will die. Damage scaling is a massive problem; a simple attack makes any armor that the player wears pointless and if that’s the case, why is it in the game in the first place! End lag on the side of the player puts them in constant jeopardy. Oh, you missed a big spell, well here comes the boss diving through the air and now you’re dead. Drinking a flask? Here comes a ranged attack at the wrong time and your healing is wasted. The fact that Elden Ring makes the player feel like they are being punished for playing the game is a crime. The point of a game is to be fun, Elden Ring in its core mechanics isn’t fun. From Software’s games persist on the high players get after overcoming a huge obstacle. Let me tell you a secret. You can do that with any game! Beating a ten-hour long game filled with story, adventure, and development can deliver the same feeling in the amount of time it takes to defeat two bosses in Elden Ring. But the core gameplay isn’t the only problem.

Did you know that Elden Ring had crafting? Cause at no point during the game did I do any crafting because I had no way of knowing how to do it! There is no tutorial on it or even a simple directory in the menus that gives players a simple how to. I’m all for games allowing players to make their own decisions and being hands off, but Elden Ring is the equivalent of dropping a toddler into the deep end and expecting them to swim. I would collect crafting recipes with no knowledge on how to use them, which made the reward for clearing dungeons and areas pointless, more on that latter. On a first playthrough of a game, I want to experience it as is, no third party information like guides to help me understand game mechanics. So, I don’t want to watch an hour-long video just to understand a mechanic in the game I’m playing! I would collect numerous small items and collect armor and weapons that I have found in my travels and the advice I would receive is not to sell them for runes; runes being the only leveling mechanic I understand and the only chance I have at passing any bosses. So, I in turn became a pack rat carrying pointless materials that had little use because I had no way of knowing how to use them! Vendors were also practically useless; none of them sold anything that was useful for my playstyle or their wares were too late game orientated for my use. I even killed a merchant by accident because he was a boss! How was I supposed to know that the boss would be a merchant? On top of the venders being pointless in the course of the twenty hours of playing the game, I didn’t find a single piece of unique armor or cool weapon that benefited my playstyle. Nothing. The only thing I found is a piece of enemy armor that was a fraction better than the starter armor and an axe that did more damage than the sword. That’s it. A found a rapier for Dex builds. Useless. A cool staff and spells for mages. Can’t use them. And a halberd that I couldn’t use unless I pumped everything into strength which meant pointless grinding. Not doing that. So, what is the experience I get for playing twenty hours of a game where I get nothing rewarding for my character, a crafting system that I don’t know how to use, and bosses that make me hate playing games? A total shit show.

Elden Ring, along with all of From Software’s games, are designed for masochists, people who enjoy inflicting pain on themselves. Sorry, but I do not fall into that category. Elden Ring was a waste of $60 that I can’t get back. I’d rather spend that money on High on Life or a DLC for a Paradox game or even subscription time for SWTOR. Elden Ring doesn’t deserve the Game of the Year award that it got, it should have gone to God of War. And I am happy that the Bill Clinton kid embarrassed From Software because they should be embarrassed for developing terribly designed games. If I had the will or patience to finish this mess of a game, I’d give it a 13/25 or a 52, that’s a failing grade. An F. I’ll never recommend Elden Ring to anyone, nor should anyone pay From Software to be punished. If you really feel that way and you’re a masochist, be a normal person and pay a BDSM model instead. At least then you’ll have a safe word.